I'm scared
I didn't realize I have this issue before.
Never in a million year I would think that I will be so scared and nervous.
The first time it happened was when my friends came to visit and I was on my way home alone in a crowded train on a Saturday afternoon.
All in a sudden everything turned into a shiny white blanket, the brightness hurt my eyes. I had seen this before, it was 4 years ago. I knew it's coming. I controlled my breathing and closed my eyes to calm the heartbeat and avoid the brightness. But not, it got worse, my head started to go round and round, my stomach was at my throat, my feet weren't bones but jelly now, my ears are not functioning, sounds are getting louder, especially the sound of the speaker announcing the next station name and a bing sound started to replace all the sounds around me. My thought was, "Shit! this is it! I'm gonna black out in front of strangers and Ney is overseas and I have no family or friends that these strangers could reach out to." "No, hold on, breathe, remember to breathe." "We're almost there, Jurong East, the train is reaching Jurong East, hold on for a minuter or two and we will sit." "Breathe, Breathe..." Thank goodness, I made it.
It happened again today (Saturday) while I was on my way to work.
I started feeling it when I got on to the train at Jurong East, it was crowded, I hardly made it into the train before the doors closed. I was leaning against the glass besides the priority seat, I made myself comfortable, took out my book and started reading it. Just like how I do it on a daily basis.
"Next station Clementi", the speaker announced. I have 15 more stations to go. When the train reached at Clementi, more people were coming in and very few were alighting. I continued with my reading. Not after two more stations, the heart pounded harder and faster, when the train was filled with more people, I quickly moved into the centre of the train to avoid being stagnant besides the entrance, I felt a little better with the space around me. But when we got to Queenstown station, my emotion and body had enough and I started feeling dizzy, and started grasping for air. "I need space, I need some space" that was my thought, and wanted to rush out of the train before the doors close. But I was too ashamed of doing that.
Instead of storming out of the train. I made another move which was the best decision ever, I moved further into the seats area, because by standing in front of seats gives you more space to breath and the best part is there's no one standing in your face. But, I didn't feel better, instead I'm getting very uneasy with standing. I move around, made myself busy with the motions to avoid thinking about it. But I failed, the feeling is getting stronger now by each second, and I know my stomach is making it's move up to my mouth now. I need to sit, I told myself. I keep my book away as my hands are getting very shaky now. I don't want people to see my condition. I whisper a small little prayer, I need a seat. Thank God!! While I was worrying I might black out or throw up, the lady in front of me was getting off at the next stop. While she was making her way out, I took the seat without hesitation! I feel embarrassed afterwards, but I just need that freaking seat to calm down.
My legs are half jelly now. I can feel it. So I quickly whipped out my earphones and plugged them in and starting to listen to some Spotify. I closed my eyes and brought myself back to Perth and looking outside to the street from my room. I picked a nice weather scene, with no one on the street, it was near evening in a winter day. The space, the cool air, the sense of security and familiarity, I'm alone all of the sudden.
I can feel my shoulders are more relaxed now. I controlled my breathing. And it was two or three stops later, I opened my eyes and the crowd had gone. I made it through. I'm glad.
However, I'm restless, I need to find a space there's no one else but me only. I need to get to the washroom and freshen up myself. I didn't stop walking once I reached my station, I rushed pass the queue so I can quickly get to my office (which is very spacious). I walked like I'm in a marathon, Spotify was still on, my goal was clear: office, warm water and then washroom.
I ignored the children I passed by in front of the office, I think he was asking me for some donation because from the corner of my eye I can see he was holding a sheet of stickers that looked like those would used by charity to raise fund, but I rejected with a forced sweet smile and rushed into my office. Saying hi to the guard with my f-s-s and rushed to my seat to catch my breath. My colleague was there, but she was busy with work and I didn't get to tell her I was panicked. I was grasping for air and hands were really shaky. I need water, I went to the pantry to get some warm water, and at that point my tears just came down like a water fall. I can't control them anymore, I looked out to the field in front of our pantry area, and took a moment to gather myself without letting my colleagues to realise my condition, who were standing right behind of me. I succeeded. I passed by them without them realising. Even the one who opened the door for me. I put my tumbler down, and rushed to the washroom. But there was someone there doing her make up and I don't get to let it go, so I sobbed a little in the toilet cubicle instead of letting the emotion out.
I returned to my seat, I'm so glad we have our own cubicle! I lowered my chair and sob a little more without letting anyone noticed. I continued to listen to Westlife on Youtube and forced myself to focus on my work. The shakiness goes away after awhile. I quickly texted Ney but wasn't able to talk to him. Because he is currently in Europe timezone and this sucks! I told myself I need to be stronger, be independent. I think God knows the best, after a few minutes, Ney called!! I hold my emotion, sped off to another side of the office, sat down, and cried. At this point, there were construction workers there and they saw me cried but I just don't care anymore. And Ney's voice calmed me down. His voice is like an island that I can rest on, after cruising the violent sea. It's safe, it's warm, it's where I belong.
And after talking to him, my emotion stabled and I am calm now. I made it through. And I went shopping, oh how shopping helped a lady to be happy!
And, the end. This is a story about me. Being nervous.
I started feeling it when I got on to the train at Jurong East, it was crowded, I hardly made it into the train before the doors closed. I was leaning against the glass besides the priority seat, I made myself comfortable, took out my book and started reading it. Just like how I do it on a daily basis.
"Next station Clementi", the speaker announced. I have 15 more stations to go. When the train reached at Clementi, more people were coming in and very few were alighting. I continued with my reading. Not after two more stations, the heart pounded harder and faster, when the train was filled with more people, I quickly moved into the centre of the train to avoid being stagnant besides the entrance, I felt a little better with the space around me. But when we got to Queenstown station, my emotion and body had enough and I started feeling dizzy, and started grasping for air. "I need space, I need some space" that was my thought, and wanted to rush out of the train before the doors close. But I was too ashamed of doing that.
Instead of storming out of the train. I made another move which was the best decision ever, I moved further into the seats area, because by standing in front of seats gives you more space to breath and the best part is there's no one standing in your face. But, I didn't feel better, instead I'm getting very uneasy with standing. I move around, made myself busy with the motions to avoid thinking about it. But I failed, the feeling is getting stronger now by each second, and I know my stomach is making it's move up to my mouth now. I need to sit, I told myself. I keep my book away as my hands are getting very shaky now. I don't want people to see my condition. I whisper a small little prayer, I need a seat. Thank God!! While I was worrying I might black out or throw up, the lady in front of me was getting off at the next stop. While she was making her way out, I took the seat without hesitation! I feel embarrassed afterwards, but I just need that freaking seat to calm down.
My legs are half jelly now. I can feel it. So I quickly whipped out my earphones and plugged them in and starting to listen to some Spotify. I closed my eyes and brought myself back to Perth and looking outside to the street from my room. I picked a nice weather scene, with no one on the street, it was near evening in a winter day. The space, the cool air, the sense of security and familiarity, I'm alone all of the sudden.
I can feel my shoulders are more relaxed now. I controlled my breathing. And it was two or three stops later, I opened my eyes and the crowd had gone. I made it through. I'm glad.
However, I'm restless, I need to find a space there's no one else but me only. I need to get to the washroom and freshen up myself. I didn't stop walking once I reached my station, I rushed pass the queue so I can quickly get to my office (which is very spacious). I walked like I'm in a marathon, Spotify was still on, my goal was clear: office, warm water and then washroom.
I ignored the children I passed by in front of the office, I think he was asking me for some donation because from the corner of my eye I can see he was holding a sheet of stickers that looked like those would used by charity to raise fund, but I rejected with a forced sweet smile and rushed into my office. Saying hi to the guard with my f-s-s and rushed to my seat to catch my breath. My colleague was there, but she was busy with work and I didn't get to tell her I was panicked. I was grasping for air and hands were really shaky. I need water, I went to the pantry to get some warm water, and at that point my tears just came down like a water fall. I can't control them anymore, I looked out to the field in front of our pantry area, and took a moment to gather myself without letting my colleagues to realise my condition, who were standing right behind of me. I succeeded. I passed by them without them realising. Even the one who opened the door for me. I put my tumbler down, and rushed to the washroom. But there was someone there doing her make up and I don't get to let it go, so I sobbed a little in the toilet cubicle instead of letting the emotion out.
I returned to my seat, I'm so glad we have our own cubicle! I lowered my chair and sob a little more without letting anyone noticed. I continued to listen to Westlife on Youtube and forced myself to focus on my work. The shakiness goes away after awhile. I quickly texted Ney but wasn't able to talk to him. Because he is currently in Europe timezone and this sucks! I told myself I need to be stronger, be independent. I think God knows the best, after a few minutes, Ney called!! I hold my emotion, sped off to another side of the office, sat down, and cried. At this point, there were construction workers there and they saw me cried but I just don't care anymore. And Ney's voice calmed me down. His voice is like an island that I can rest on, after cruising the violent sea. It's safe, it's warm, it's where I belong.
And after talking to him, my emotion stabled and I am calm now. I made it through. And I went shopping, oh how shopping helped a lady to be happy!
And, the end. This is a story about me. Being nervous.
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